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What’s that, you say? A book about supplemental material that no one asked for? And I’m blogging about it even though you believed you were done? Yes. Yes, I am. After Dead, the title that maybe finally seems more final than all of the others that unfortunately sounded final because they had “dead” in the title. Spoilers to follow…

Anyway, you’ll be relatively spared. This will be short, as the book itself is just paragraphs of what happened to all of the characters at various points in the future. I will obviously not go over everything, because I do not remember AT ALL who Quiana Wong is, and if I don’t know the name, then I probably didn’t write about them, and you probably don’t know who they are, either. So you really don’t care what happened to them. I will, however, weigh in on the futures of our main cast members, and complain thusly.

Andy Bellefleur and his wife Halleigh finally have their baby, but she’s born with a heart defect. The Bellefleurs have two other kids, but Caroline only lives until high school. She’s buried in her cheerleader uniform. It’s pretty sad, y’all.

Barry Bellboy went off with Sam’s mom at the end of Dead Ever After to recover from his injuries. He then lay low in Seattle. “We may hear more about the rest of his life.” Fun story: I do not care.

Amelia Broadway and boyfriend Bob (who was, as you’ll recall, once a cat) have a son, named Felix, which sounds way more like he’d turn into a cat in a weird sex game than “Bob” does. Amelia and Bob eventually break up but share custody of Felix. They both remarry (Amelia remarries rich).

Alcide Herveaux finally marries a werelynx and they have five kids, one of whom grows up to be Miss Louisiana. It is not specified how his status as packmaster is faring, especially since he married out of the pack. (And not even a wolf!) Given that he dies at an “advanced age,” presumably he retains his status as packmaster for the entirety of the time, or at least until peaceful retirement, but since so much of his plot across the series, and so much of the conflict in his relationship with Sookie centers around the pack, for it not to get a passing mention is odd.

Quinn “had many more adventures”. That’s it, that’s all he gets. That is like a giant fuck you, I feel, but also Harris never really gave Quinn her attention, even though he was pretty interesting. I know he shows up in her Midnight, Texas series with his son Diederik, but I don’t remember what happens to them in it. That one, however, is set to be a summer series on NBC with the same name. You were warned. (Actually, no, those are pretty fun and should translate well to TV.)

Bill Compton, the vampire I loved to hate until he became interesting and kind of funny, gets the coda I would most like to read in a spin-off one-shot novel. After the success of his vampire database, he gets a bunch of nerds to come live in his house and help him create a violent vampire video game. They work for him for a few decades in exchange for getting turned, and they all live in a nest together. Sometimes he’s with Karin, sometimes not, whatever. The point is, he eventually gets so rich that Felipe de Castro, king of Nevada/Louisiana, is spread thin and sells Louisiana to Bill, who rules it from his own family home in Bon Temps because he refuses to move to New Orleans.

Jason Stackhouse married his girlfriend Michele (a bit of a throwaway at the end Dead Ever After, which I feel is unfortunate because Jason really matured and I rather liked Michele) and they have two kids. Their daughter is telepathic, goes to work in a dog food factory after high school, has a baby out of wedlock and eventually marries Jason’s best friend Hoyt’s kid, although I think by that point Jason is already dead. (He drops dead at 55.)

Hunter Savoy, Sookie’s “nephew” (the telepathic son of her twice-dead cousin Hadley), had a larger thread in the overall series than I paid any attention to, in part because fictional children are generally boring in an adult book, and also because it was completely irrelevant to any of the murder plots (which is probably good). Because I ignored him there, I’ll mention him here: he goes into the military, and when they find out he’s a telepath, they put him to work as an Intelligence agent. He gets a lot of commendations that he can never share with anyone.

Pam Ravenscroft, who got made Area Five Sheriff at the end of DEA, ends up marrying tracker Heidi. Fangtasia gets built up to be financially successful again, and Pam still visits Sookie without warning periodically. (Sookie is still not allowed to visit Fangtasia, as part of someone’s deal with someone.) Where is my Pam spin-off novel? I would settle for just a short story of Pam showing up places in pastel pantsuits, being offbeat and completely terrifying. If you liked TV Pam, book Pam is a lot better.

Eric Northman eventually becomes attached to his wife Freyda, the Queen of Oklahoma. Emotionally, I mean, not physically, although that feels like that could happen. Anyway, Pam had photos taken of Sookie in her wedding dress, which she sent to Eric, who looked at them and tore them up. Then Freyda no longer questioned his loyalty, because I guess the tearing up of someone else’s wedding photos signals loyalty? Even though he stared at them? And had them because his child deliberately had them taken for him? This is why I’m not in a 200-year vampire marriage commitment. Freyda eventually allowed him to make another child, and this time he made a dude.

Sam Merlotte and Sookie get married, and continue to work together, which seems super stressful, but totally in place for Bon Temps. I find it interesting that Sam only gets two sentences.

Sookie and Sam get married (the wedding is a big deal in her blurb), and they have four kids: Neal, Jennings, Adele, and Jillian Tara. Jennings is the telepath, so that’s another Stackhouse with an odd name and an unfortunate ability. I have no idea what any of the children go on to do. Sookie presumably takes Sam’s name, since they’re referred to as “the Merlotte children,” which annoys me, but tracks overall with Sookie’s personality. They’re financially stable, and they cater parties and rent out the bar for weddings and stuff. Is that what the people want to know? I guess so. Niall extends them an invitation to the Summerlands when they die, and they haven’t decided to accept or not.

Yo, when I’ve walked out of this entire series wanting to know most of all what happened with Bill, and wanting to follow his continued adventures, something ain’t right. Don’t waste thirteen books to suddenly make him interesting in a half-page, it’s rude.

That’s it, folks! You thought we were done before, but now we are officially done, because I can’t take it anymore.